Now that I’m taking a minute, I see that I’ve always hidden from you. I wonder when I abandoned you.

I was born from you. Thought I took everything away from you. I never saw a smile on you. Everyday after school, I picked flowers for you. Always thought about ways to surprise you. I was living for you.

I was a grown man when I found out about your pain. You were grieving your mother when I came. How could’ve I known. I was only a few years old. People probably thought I didn’t know. I was conscious before most would’ve known. I still get those nightmares in the day without realizing what I’ve always known.

I lived with the feeling that something horrible had happened without knowing what. Now it’s all coming back to me. Everyone dressed in black, begging for death, to bring their mother back. Screaming at life for taking theirs away. All the moments they missed. I felt all of your pain. I wish I knew how to express it. It’s been killing me from within ever since.

A few months later your father passed too. I feared I was losing you too. Til this day, every time something bad happens I only pray for your health and nothing else. You three are my strength.

All these early years aside, I never saw love on our side. Everything felt fake. Everyone pretended. The roles they played. None of us really felt it. Ask her. We never learned how to give what we never really felt.

At one point, I guess it all became too much to put up with you all. I had to grow apart. It was never enough. So I gave up. I welcomed deportation to be far off.

I hope you don’t read this as me blaming you for the distance. I’m just trying to understand my way through this. Love is my missing piece. Life never felt like life for me, you’ve heard me say this. I just want to heal from this.

It hurts me that I don’t know how to give you what I’ve always missed. Read this as my way to giving you all I have to prove to you I feel this. I just don’t know how to express this.

Teach me how to feel love and be in peace. All my relationships will heal from this. We have all the time to learn this.

I love you, ma.

P.S. I kind of wish no one read this.